“What a beautiful thing it is, to be able to stand tall and say, ‘I fell apart, and I survived.'”
The straight & narrow is a familiar and safe place for me. I love the idea of knowing what comes next. Knowing that I’m in control. Knowing that I’ve been here before.
I had a white knuckle grip on the path of knowing. I feared my life spiraling out of control so much. I couldn’t even enjoy the highs because what goes up must come down, right? Feel me?
I thought I knew. I thought I was full & content with feeling like I was at an okay point in my life. I got… comfortable. But then a shift seemed to happen.
Looking back now, I think of it as some sort of spiritual awakening happening. But at the time it was very confusing. I became very lost; the very things and people who sheltered me started to stifle and shatter me. I didn’t understand it. At all.
Until I lost “myself” so much so, that I found myself.
Lose yourself to find yourself?
How does one actually let go & get lost? And even more so, how does one then find themselves again?
Of course, life’s circumstances can force you to lose yourself; usually when you’ve ignored God or the universe long enough that it kicks you down whether you’re ready or not.
But losing yourself can also be a choice. Letting go is a choice.
It’s very, very simple. But that does not mean that it’s at all easy… But if you’re really struggling to find some purpose in this world, to find meaning or direction.. Then it’s time to let go & get lost. Lose yourself.
Let go of this idea of how you thought your life would go, or how someone else thought it would go for you.
Let go of what you think is providing you a safe and comforting feeling.
Let go of material things and distractions.
Strip yourself down until you have nothing. I know that sounds drastic and maybe a little unnecessary, but getting lost is never an ideal thing. It’s painful. It’s confusing. It can be sad and difficult. It is nothing to take lightly, losing yourself; the person you’ve worked very hard to create all of your life. But you’re not full, you’re not living your best life. You’re not happy and you’re not satisfied. You’ve reached you’re ceiling with this version of you and it’s time to die to your self so that you can be born again.
Do you ever lay in bed at night and just feel the darkness. The weight of it as it covers you? Do you notice how loud the silence is? Do you ever remember the point at which you let your mind release; into any which direction it chooses? Do you remember your dreams? Vividly? If you don’t, or you never have, then you need to let go of major distractions in your life. Maybe for you, that’s your phone. Maybe it’s the negative outlook that you’ve been having on your life. Maybe it’s the person laying next to you… Maybe it’s the food you’re eating fogging your brain & you can’t even notice that the room is now dark. Being so distracted that you forget to be or are unable to be present is a for sure sign that you need to get lost. Let go. Change.
When you find yourself… your true self… you somehow have more time. You somehow notice the smallest things. You can be busy but proactive. Occupied but not distracted. You can calmly direct your attention and take control of your days. De-congest your heart & your mind. And in turn, your life. What distractions do you need to rid yourself of? Think of it in the sense of your soul going on a nice, long, wifi-free camping trip.
Get lost, get found
I found my life when I stopped looking for it. I’ve written about my journey to find purpose in this blog post, but it really was hopelessly challenging. I desperately wanted purpose. My soul needed to belong somewhere, doing something. So I tried to make every piece fit… But when my focus shifted away from trying to find myself to trying to figure out what the hell was happening to me (in the process of losing myself), is when my life really started to change. And come together.
I became weirdly obsessed with inversions (headstands, handstands, etc.) There was something about them… when everything else in my life felt upside down, it felt good to be right there too. The blood rushing down my legs, the pressure in my face, the swaying, the strength… It all just felt right. Being lost became a more comfortable place to me than being “found” in the wrong version of me. (who I thought I was).
It was there, in headstands, that I realized that everything that was happening to me in my physical life was happening for me. For me to find my truth. I realized that I had lost myself. I lost who I always meant to be, but circumstances and people and life got in the way of that. The most beautiful parts of me have been shoved down so deep that it took flipping my world upside down and shaking it vigorously to reveal them.
Sometimes you don’t realize that you’re actually drowning when you’re trying to be everything to everyone. You lose yourself when you’re constantly trying to find yourself through others. Find yourself first before you let someone else find you.
Get lost, get found.
People will not understand.
Those close to you will not understand.
But if you’re ready to find yourself… really ready… then you really will not care.
Those in support of you and of your journey to find your truest you will stay. You can’t be everything to everyone anyways.
I don’t know what getting lost looks like for you, it is your very personal and necessary journey. That I really hope you do consider taking at some point. It will be the most beautiful season of your life.
Getting lost is the part of life that everyone always talks about. Sings about. Writes about. It’s the one thing in their life that changed everything. That rewrote their story. For better or worse, your choice.
You see, when you lose yourself… The only person desperate enough to find you is you.
So get lost. & find yourself. Your true self.